The Greatest Adventure
by aFiashfsdkagnsdlok
Summary: Honestly, if the bathwater smells wierd, take the hint that Komui put something in it, and don't go in. Unless you want to be a cat. Chapter 5: “Get me -hic!- more booze, dry erashe marker.” On hiatus.
1. Pop Goes the Weasel

**Chapter One**

**Pop Goes the Weasel**

**Summery:** Always trust your nose, or you just might end up on the greatest adventure of your life! No pairings. Rated T for mild language and some suggestive themes coughLavicough.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned D.Gray-Man, I'd have more vampires and werewolves.

"Che, you suck as usual, beansprout."

"It's ALLEN, Ba-Kanda, or are you too dim to remember that?" Allen retorted, huffing and glaring.

"It's not worth remembering!" Kanda hissed.

They each stood a few feet apart, holding a sharp pointy sword towards the other, glaring angrily.

"Aw, Yuu-chan, that wasn't very nice!" Lavi cooed from the sidelines of the training area, sitting cross-legged.

Kanda's head whipped around, with lightning fast speed, towards the redhead, "Don't call me that, rabbit brat!" he yelled.

Taking Kanda's distraction to full advantage, Allen barreled forward. Spinning around at the last second, Yuu-chan managed to block the inexperienced charge, whilst disarming the beansprout in the same go.

Not willing to back down yet, Allen brought his knee upward, slamming it into Kanda's abdomen and knocked his weapon away with his hands. "Pay better attention, fringe-cut!" Allen yelled triumphantly.

Soon the 'chivalrous' sword fight turned into an all out brawl. Dust flying in every which direction.

Lavi sighed, "Ugh, not again…"

He watched for a few minutes, right hand propping up his chin, elbow resting on his knee. Kanda was obviously a better swordsman, but Allen passed him up on hand-to-hand combat.

Getting bored of actual thinking, Lavi switched to pain-in-the-butt mode.

"Come on, Allen, quit snuggling with Yuu-chan, your making me jealous!" Lavi called out, clapping both of his hands to his cheeks and shaking his head.

Allen immediately flew back about 10 feet from Kanda. "L-Lavi!" Allen stuttered.

Carrothead snickered, the boy sure could move fast.

Words failed Allen's alleged 'snuggler' as he glared at Lavi. Instead he resorted to actions, after all, they speak louder. Picking up one of the fallen swords, he marched menacingly toward the redhead.

"Eek! Save me!" Lavi squeaked, cowering in fear.

Lavi's knight in shining armor appeared right on que.

"Stop fighting you guys." Lenalee sighed as she approached.

"My savior!" Lavi cried, clinging to her leg.

"Che," Kanda turned away from them, toward Allen, "That's enough for the sword lesson, and I would like you to know you haven't improved at all."

Lavi booed softly.

Allen snorted, "Thanks, femmy-face," under his breath as he approached Lenalee and Lavi.

He smiled sweetly, turning to Lenalee, "Hello, Lenalee, did you come to train, too?"

Lenalee smiled back (but not looking as smexy ;P), "Ah, no, Allen-kun, you've been training for four hours and I wasn't sure if you knew that it was about lunchtime yet. Jerry's been missing you."

"Oh, thank you, Lenalee."

'The politeness is making my brain throb,' Lavi thought blandly. "Alright Allen, let's hurry to the cafeteria, I need my cookies _really really badly_." Lavi chirped, pulling on Allen's sleeve, marching towards the doorway.

"W-Wait a second, Lavi! I need to take a bath first! I'm all sweaty from training!" Allen said, trying in vain to tug his arm free.

The redhead stopped pulling and sniffed Allen's head. He wrinkled his nose, "Yeah, you're right. You do. Even more badly then I need my cookies I guess…" He sniffled melodramatically.

"I'll see you in the cafeteria in a bit, then." Lenalee said, ignoring Lavi and his weep fest, and started to walk off down the hallway.

As soon as Lenalee disappeared around the corner, Lave rounded on Allen and changed his theatrical role.

"Allen! How dare you flirt with Lenalee while you're going out with Yuu-chan! Two timing is a bad, bad thing! (worse than depriving me of my cookies)"

Allen stiffened like a stick, and Kanda reached for the nearest sword.

000

Meanwhile, in the deep, dark depths of the Science department, a certain curly-haired fool-of-a Head Chief sat at his desk, sluggishly doing paperwork. His head shot up from his messy desk.

"My brotherly senses are tingling, someone is flirting with my precious Lenalee!" He bolted up, hands slamming on his poor desk, which just might collapse from too much weight, jolting it and making the papers cascade off it in a mini avalanche.

"Get back to work," a tired Reever mumbled.

Lower lip protruding an inch, Komui settled back down into his chair.

000

"Aw, Yuu came too!" Lavi cooed. (Pun intended :P)

"Shut up or do you want to be cut up some more, rabbit brat?" Kanda snapped, and indeed, Lavi was already sporting a few good slashes.

"I don't see why you're coming either, Lavi, you weren't training so you're not all sweaty." Allen sighed, annoyed.

"Whaaat? And miss out on all the fun?!"

Allen shook his head, not wanting to know what 'fun' the redhead was referring to. It was probably something that makes little children cry… or worse. (Make's Lavi's cookies cry.) Either way, Allen knew the Lavi was kidding. (Probably.)

"Here we are," Allen said as he opened the door to the communal bath.

Putting his change of clothes on a bench, he undressed and headed toward the heated water.

"Hey, wait, Allen," Lavi said, standing over the water.

"What, Lavi?"

"Doesn't the water smell a little… weird… to you?"

"Kanda probably just farted in it," Allen said nonchalantly, climbing into the water without hesitation.

"I'm not even in the water yet, beansprout!"

"Ranged missile, then, Ba-Kanda?"

Lavi shrugged and climbed into the water anyway. Steaming, Kanda che'd and followed in, too.

"Hey, look, Allen, it's Yuu-chan's rubber ducky!" Lavi squeed with unadulterated delight, lifting the palm-sized bright yellow duck into the air and off the top of the water, grinning ear to ear.

"That's not my ducky, carrothead!"

"Oh, that's right, yours is the hot pink one. Sorry for the mistake, my beloved Yuu-chan."

"I don't have a rubber ducky! And quit calling me that!"

Lavi just giggled and squeezed the rubber ducky mercilessly, making it shoot a column of water out of it's orange beak and straight into Kanda's exasperated face.

"I'M GOING TO KILLYOU!" Kanda screamed, anger recharged, bolting through the water like an angry boar, towards Lavi.

"Nooo Yuu-chan, not while we're naked!"

"Stop it, guys, you're splashing me!"

"Take it like a man, beansprout."

"It's ALLEN, Ba-Kanda!" Allen yelled, trying to grab Lavi's shoulder to make him stop zooming around the bath with Kanda on his tail.

Giggling like a madman, Lavi continued to squeeze the abominable rubber ducky, but since there was a lack of water in it, instead it made a shrill, high-pitched, squeak.

"LAVI! Sto—Ugh…" Allen continued to try and catch the running redhead, but was overcome by a sudden wave of dizziness. He stumbled and grabbed the edge of the bath with one hand and placed the other on his forehead like he could steady it.

Lavi skidded to a halt. Kanda managed to stop too before he slammed into Lavi.

"You okay, beansprout?" Lavi asked, wadding over to Allen.

"Y-yeah, just a little—ugh—dizzy…" Allen stumbled, not seeming to notice that Lavi called him beansprout. (Something was definitely wrong D:)

"You'd better get out of the bath, the heat from the water might be causing this," Lavi said knowledgably, a little worried for the fifteen-year-old boy.

"O-okay…" Allen shakily climbed out of the bath and wrapped a towel around his waist. He headed towards the bench to sit down.

Lavi put the ducky back into the water and watched Allen worriedly. Kanda snatched the rubber toy up and ripped it into two with his bare hands. (What, you thought he was going to let that thing live?)

000

Allen faintly heard the pitiful dieing wail of the rubber duck, but he was more focused on his light-headed issues and getting over to the bench without falling over. Getting out of the water hadn't helped much, in fact, it was still getting worse.

Allen stumbled.

Even though he was sweating, he still felt like someone had filled his insides with gallons of snow.

He shivered.

Suddenly, instead of feeling light-headed, his whole body felt like lead. He collapsed in a heap. Black mist seemed to be covering his vision.

"Allen?!"

He felt colder and colder.

_Pop!_

000

As Allen collapsed, not even making it to the bench, Lavi hurried out of the bath, quickly wrapping a towel around his waist.

"Allen?!" he called.

Kanda came out too, just not as hurriedly. (He was probably going to go throw away the remains of the duck.)

Lavi reached Allen, and reached out to grab his shoulder and ask him if he was alright when a loud _pop_ sounded.

Lavi stared at where Allen _had_ been. He was gone. His wet towel lay crumpled on the floor.

"A-Allen?" Lavi stared. Behind him was another groan.

_Pop!_

Lavi whipped around. Kanda was gone too, and his towel was in a heap on the ground.

"Wha—," Lavi started to say, before he, too, was overcome by a sense of vertigo.

He fell flat on his face.

_Pop!_

A third ominous _pop_ resounded off the walls of the Black Order.

000

**Annnd… I'm done! First chapter of my first fanfic (that I know off) is up! I apologize for the crappiness of it, after all, I am an artist. Not a writer. The empty void of my 'Stories Written' box was staring me down. Any who, if it's short for you, keep in mind it was incredibly long for me (carpal tunnel, GYAH!). I'll write another chapter when I'm not to busy playing World of Warcraft. No soup for you!**


	2. Chocolate Fishcakes

**Chapter Two**

**Chocolate Fishcakes**

**Summary: **Allen paused, "Fishcakes?"

**Disclaimer:** I don't own D.Gray-Man :P

Lenalee was getting worried. She glanced up at the clock, checking the time for about the tenth time in the last minute. It had been two hours since Allen, Lavi, and Kanda had agreed to meet her in the cafeteria.

What had happened?

Maybe Kanda had _finally_ gotten Lavi?!

No, Allen was there, he would have stopped Kanda, Lenalee thought loyally.

Unless…

What if Kanda had killed Allen?! (That seemed likely since they always seemed to rub each other the wrong way.)

Hundreds of situations of the three boys going on homicidal streaks and killing each other ran through her head. (I would describe it, but Lenalee has worries that are too gory for the rating T.)

She decided to wait another hour.

000

"Ugh…"

Allen felt stiff all over. Something heavy seemed like it was covering him, too. Slowly he cracked open his eyes.

He was surrounded by white.

'Am I dead?' his eyes widened as that thought passed through his head, his heart started to hammer.

'No, no, think this through!' he thought.

What was the last thing he remembered?

Going to the communal bath with Lavi and Ba-Kanda. And then he had started to feel dizzy. Then he passed out.

What could have caused…

Another memory came back to him, that of Lavi mentioning that the water smelled funny before they got in.

'Komui!' Allen thought spitefully. That flippy-haired idiot must have put one of his 'experiments' in the water. And the three boys ended up being the guinea pigs.

Wait… If whatever was in the water effected him, it must have affected Lavi and Kanda.

He immediately jerked forward, and felt something slide off his head.

He blinked.

The white that had been surrounding him was actually his towel…

When had his towel been big enough to cover him all the way like that?

Now that he thought of it… _everything _looked huge.

He tried to stand up, but fell flat on his face.

"Oof…"

Pushing himself upward with his arms, he stared down and gawked, for about the tenth time in the last minute.

Not _arms_. In their stead were _paws_.

Small furry paws! One black and one snowy white.

"_What?!_" he yelled. Or, meant to yell. All that came out of his mouth was a loud, shocked meow.

000

"Jerry-san! Jerry-san!"

Jerry looked up from where he was currently working on his next masterpiece. He walked over to the large window thing that opened up to the cafeteria from his kitchen. It was Lenalee.

"Oh, Lenalee, what is it?" he asked brightly. Lenalee often came to talk to him because there weren't many women in the Order. (I wonder what that implies…)

"Allen-kun, Lavi and Kanda agreed to meet me in the cafeteria three hours ago, well not really Kanda, but… Anyway! They're all missing!" Lenalee pleaded. She looked really worried.

"Oh?" Jerry thought. Actually, he had noticed the lack of Allen. Without that cute little boy ordering, Jerry only made about half as he usually did.

Allen's food carts missed him too. (A tray couldn't hold all of his orders.)

"Will you help me look for them?" Lenalee interrupted his thoughts.

Jerry didn't have much else to do. There were only a few finders in the corner playing card.

"Sure, why not?"

And so, Jerry left with Lenalee. Forgetting his unfinished masterpiece back in the kitchen.

000

Allen stared at his little black paw, mouth open wide. He slowly rotated it over, staring at the soft pink pads.

Gently, he placed it back on the ground. Tapping it lightly with his tail. Wait…

_Tail_.

He jumped again, yelping. He stared perplexed at _his_ white bushy tail.

Allen heard rustling in front of him with his advanced hearing. His head shot up.

Slowly, a fuzzy red face pushed it's way from underneath a towel in front of Allen.

Allen crawled the rest of the way out from underneath his towel and padded over to the confuzzeled Lavi.

Lavi stared up at a little almost pure white kitten, except for it's left paw was black, and a strange red scar covered his left eye, with a pentacle of his forehead.

"_Allen?_" Lavi gawked. Allen's tail twitched, but he said nothing, giving Lavi time to comprehend the current situation.

"My god Allen, you're a _kitty!_" Lavi yowled with glee, trying to get up and glomp hug him, but luckily for Allen, he fell flat on his face, much like the white kitten had.

'Good, we can understand each other when we're cats,' Allen noted in his thoughts. "Not only me, Lavi," Allen mewed pointedly to the dim red cat.

"Wha…" Lavi looked down and stared at his paws in awe, mimicking Allen's reaction to the extreme. "We're _cats!_" Lavi exclaimed.

"No shit, Sherlock."

Both of the two cats turned around and saw that Kanda had escaped his towel too. He glowered around the room, looking more sour than usual. (For understandable reasons.)

Kanda stalked forward, not bothering to examine his paws like the other two had. His coat, though, was a shiny black, much like his hair. It was smooth and short, unlike Lavi's scraggly spiky locks, and Allen's puffball resembling pelt. His tail was the longest too.

"How did we become like this?" Lavi wondered aloud.

"Isn't it obvious? It's that idiot Komui's fault." Kanda hissed. Allen nodded in agreement. (That's a first.)

Lavi bobbed his kitty head in a nod solemnly, his loose eyepatch jiggling, "Right, we'd better find Komui. We can't have Yuu-chan having even _more_ hair."

"Do you want to die, rabbit brat?!"

Lavi giggles, or, the closest thing to giggling a cat could do, "Silly Yuu, I'm a kitty cat, not a rabbit!" And with that he slapped Kanda in the face with his scrappy tail.

Kanda's fur bristled and he unsheathed his claws.

"Focus!" Allen mewled loudly, "We need to get to Komui to change us back, and we're _not_ doing that anytime soon with you two bickering like two old ladies!"

Grudgingly, Kanda sheathed his claws. "I'm not an old lady…"

Lavi fidgeted, trying to focus and not make fun of Kanda for his previous comment. He was doing pretty well until he noticed bits of yellow rubber lying around Kanda's towel.

"Aw, Yuu-chan, why did you have to kill the poor duck?! We could have rode it around in the water, like little sailors!"

"That thing didn't deserve to live!"

"Dammit, Lavi, do you have ADD or something?!"

"Sorry, Allen…" Lavi shuffled his paws sheepishly.

Allen sighed, "Okay, so here's the plan…"

000

"Why so I have to do the most painful part?" Lavi whined for about the hundredth time.

"Because even if you land on your head, you won't get anymore retarded."

Lavi sniffled at Kanda's hurtful comment from the top of the backrest of the bench.

"Alright, get ready," Allen called out. He and Kanda slid their paws underneath the opening at the bottom of the door and dug their claws into the wood.

Lavi aimed himself at the doorknob, lowering himself into a pre-pounce position, wiggling his butt in the air.

"You look like a duck, Lavi."

Lavi pounced, but overshot and flew over the knob. Allen yowled in horror as Lavi landed heavily on top of him.

"Lavi, you, ugh, have NO aim!"

"Sorry, Allen, it's the eye patch. But thanks for the soft landing."

"Ugh…"

After several more tries, failures, and painful squashes of Allen, Lavi finally landed on the knob, and pushed it down with weight. At the same time, Allen and Kanda quickly pulled it a crack open.

Finally they managed to claw it open enough to get through.

Allen's fur fluffed up even more from the drop in temperature in the hallway. He bolted forward, but tripped over his paws and eventually flipped over.

Lavi chuckled and padded over to the fallen beansprout. He locked his teeth carefully and pulled Allen up by the scruff of the neck.

"Not so fast, squirt," he mewed, setting Allen down and spitting out white fur. "You'll give yourself a concussion."

"Why do I have to be so short…" Allen mewed pitifully.

"Because you're a beansprout, even more so in cat form."

"Shut up, Ba-Kanda!" Allen snapped.

"Now, now, ladies, let's stop bickering and get a move on," Lavi chirped, being the on task one for once.

"Right, follow me," Allen commanded, strutting forward, heeding Lavi's advice and going slower. He still slipped a bit though.

"Why? You have _no_ sense of direction, beansprout."

"I think I know my way around the Order," Allen huffed.

000

"Dammit, beansprout, you got us lost."

"I-I knows(1) where I'm going."

"Obviously not, the cafeteria is no where near the Science Department." And true enough, they were right outside the cafeteria. No where near the Science Department.

"I-I meant to go to the cafeteria! Lenalee will be there, and she'll recognize us," Allen said loyally, padding through the open doors. Lavi and Kanda following grudgingly.

"She's not here," Kanda spat, "Enough with your little parade, beansprout, admit you were wrong."

"B-but…"

"Allen, I don't think anyone would wait three and a half hours, even for you," Lavi mewed, pointing his scrappy tail at the clock. (I'd wait for you, Allen!)

"Let's go," Kanda huffed, stomping toward the door. Lavi turned to follow Kanda but stopped when he didn't hear Allen following him.

"Allen?"

Allen was sniffing the air, his little paws trembling with excitement.

"What is it Allen?" Lavi asked again, padding over to the ecstatic white kitten.

"Do you smell that? It smells delicious, and I'm sooo hungry…"

"We don't have time for your food crusade!" Kanda snapped, turning around too.

Lavi sniffed the air too, curious. Actually, he did smell something wondrously good.

"It's in the kitchen!" Allen squealed with delight, bolting toward the window opening, skidding and sliding along the floor.

Lavi zoomed after, while Kanda hissed and trudged along grudgingly.

Allen prepared for a leap, crouching down, then shot up and landed on the sill. He looked down just as Lavi leapt up as well—er, tried to, but totally missed and landed on the other side with a splat.

"You over shoot a lot, Lavi," Allen chuckled, relieved that his luck had spared him and Lavi hadn't slammed into him too. He bounded down and landed heavily, "Unf…"

Kanda leapt over with ease, still grumbling, and parked his butt right underneath the window.

"It's up there!" Allen mewed, bounding over to the counter and leapt on.

Lavi jumped up too, and miraculously managed to stay on target pretty well. He stared down at the source of the smell.

"It's fish," Lavi proclaimed.

"Yeah, Mr. Obvious," Allen snorted, already cramming as much of it as he could into his agape mouth.

"Hey, Yuu-Chan, how 'bout you come up and get some before Allen devours it all?" Lavi cooed down to Kanda.

"Shut up, rabbit brat!"

"What a killjoy…" Lavi mumbled, but then focused his attention on wrestling some fish out of Allen's death grip.

"Hey, Allleenn," Lavi mewed, munching on a shred of fish, "Don't you think it would be tasty if someone combined fish and cakes?"

Allen paused, "Fishcakes?"

"Yeah."

"They already have those, called naruto or something, put in traditional ramen."

Lavi contemplated this. He pictured a big chocolate cake with bits of salmon in it(2), wondering idly why they would put something like that in ramen.

Kanda listened to they're conversation from below. Geez, they were so random. But, fishcakes sounded kind of good…

The fish part, not the cake, he hated sweets.

Fish soba. That sounded appetizing.

Kanda licked his chops.

_Wait _a second, what was Kanda thinking?! He was acting like the two idiots!

"Are you two done yet?!" Kanda hissed loudly, trying to drive those horrible thoughts far from his head.

"Yeah I guess… but I'm kind of still hungry…" Allen mewed regretfully.

"Let's go!" Kanda hissed again, bounding over the window. Lavi and Allen scrabbled after him.

When they were all back in the cafeteria, Kanda started stalking towards the door, distributing an aura of annoyance.

Lavi skipped after him, and Allen started to trot along behind him.

Then he let out a yowl of shock.

000

**Woot, chapter two is done! Don't expect them all to be this long, I had a brain zap and it all came to me in one go, my hand throbbed from writing in my spiral. Anyway, reviews appreciated lots :P, they make me happy.**

**(1) Originally I had it written as 'know' but spell checker thought is should be 'knows', and I thought that sounded funny so, yeah, lol…**

**(2) I know, that doesn't sound appetizing at all. They're cats, what do you suspect?**

**Anyway, off topic, but, I asked my little brother who his favorite DGM character was, and he said **_**Eshi**_**, you know, the incredibly annoying level 3 that Lenalee pwned? And he says Lenalee is his least favorite character because she killed Eshi. Yeah…**


	3. Magical Box of Wonders

**Chapter 3**

**Magical Box of Wonders**

**Summary:** Kanda felt the sudden urge to slam his head againest the wall and end it all.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own D.Gray-Man, Chowder, OR a pretty pony ;;.

"Are they in there?!" Lenalee caterwauled from outside the boy's bathhouse door.

"No, but," Jerry closed the door behind him as he exited the steaming room, "Besides the remains of a rubber duck, I saw no gore."

"That's a good sign," Lenalee said with forced cheeriness, pumping her fists in the air.

"Boy those boys are messy! Leaving things lying around, there were towels all over, they could have at least hung them up…" Jerry's rant died in his throat, just like bacteria do when the white blood cells come in and kick their—Sorry…

"Jerry-san?"

"Leaving things lying around…" he mumbled. Suddenly, he snapped his fingers, making Lenalee jump.

"I just remembered something!"

"What?!" Lenalee asked with vigor.

"Earlier today…"

"Yes?"

"I think…"

"Yes?!"

"I accidentally left some fish out."

"Oh…" Lenalee visibly sank. The earlier energy sapped.

"If I don't put it away soon it will stink up the whole Order," Jerry said solemnly, "And that would put us in some very deep doo doo."

An anger mark pulsed violently on Lenalee's forehead. "Oh yes, smelly fish is the biggest of our problems, even more than the fact that three of the Order's few exorcist, that we cannot afford to lose, not to mention my best friends, the people I care about more then the world, have been missing for half a day. Yes, you should certainly go get your fish, because our other problems will not put us in near as much _deep doo doo_." Lenalee snapped, laying the sarcasm on rather thick.

Jerry slapped her on the back, "Thanks for understanding, Lenalee." And he marched off towards the cafeteria.

Scowling, Lenalee followed in pursuit.

000 – **A few hours earlier…**

"Allen!" Lavi mewled and whipped around. Honestly, he was getting tired of all the cries of alarm that emitted from the white kitten. His fur was losing its luster.

In place of where Allen should have been following, head bent in myriads of shame, was two huge shiny boots. But, those don't really matter, I thought I should just mention them because they were really good boots, what really mattered was what they were supporting.

A tall man towered in front of him, and judging from his dull tan coat, he was a Finder. 'Well, if I was still human I'd be taller then him,' Lavi thought smugly.

Trying to conquer his inner ADD and focus, Lavi looked up to where a constant yowling was ensuing that his selective hearing had blocked out until this moment. The Finder had scooped up Allen and was now trying to cuddle him. (I don't blame him, I would have too.)

Allen struggled valiantly, but had a major drawback seeing as his kindness made it so he was trying not to hurt the poor Finder.

Giving up, Allen yowled down, "Lavi, help, please!" Much to his disappointment, the redhead burst out into giggles and eventually started rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

"Haha, Allen, I, haha, told you, haha, you were too cute for your own good! Haha!"

To baffled at Lavi's amusement with the current situation that he himself found rather serious, all Allen could stammer was, "Y-You never said that!"

"Pay attention, rabbit brat," Kanda hissed at Lavi just as another Finder hoisted him into the air.

"Aaah!" Lavi yowled, paws waving helplessly as he ascended.

"Kitties!" the Finder that held Allen captive exclaimed with delight.

The one now stroking Lavi nodded, "I wonder how they got in here."

A third Finder walked up. (If you haven't guessed, they were the ones who were playing cards earlier.) He tried to pick up Kanda but instead received a hiss and a shredded hand. Kanda no likey touchy.

"Yowch!" the Finder cried, quickly retracting his hand, "Stupid chopped-haired, grouchy, sewer rat!" He thrust a kick at the now steaming Kanda.

Hissing even more, if that was even possible, Kanda leapt to the side and avoided the poorly aimed attack. 'Amateur,' he smirked inside his head.

Lavi burst out into a girlish giggle, "He called you—"

"Say another word and I will _saw your head off_, preserve it with _cabbage juice_, then sell at the _town square_."

Lavi whimpered and smooshed himself behind the Finder's arm in the best attempt to hide himself.

Back to the Finders' conversation.

"What do we do with them?" Lavi's captor asked.

"Can we keep them? Puh-leeeaaasee?" the Finder that held Allen clutched him even closer to his chest, "Puh-leeeaaasee?"

"No," the third one spat (giggles, a lot like Kanda). "The Order doesn't _allow pets_. Especially mangy cats that look like sewer rats." Lavi huffed, he didn't look like a sewer rat. He was adorable.

"Can we at least keep the kitten?"

"_NOOOO! Don't separate us from our precious little beansprout!_" Lavi hollered like a banshee, but all the Finders heard was a shrill yowl.

"No. N-O. I'm going to get a box, and we're taking them to town."

Pouting, the Finder continued to stroke Allen's puffball head.

The third Finder stomped into the kitchen and emerged a few seconds later with an empty tomatoe box, which smelled vaguely of bananas. He snatched Lavi out of the second Finder's hands and chucked him into the box. There was a loud thunk that sounded rather hollow.

"Ow, my head…"

The box-holding Finder reached out to pry Allen out of the other Finder's suffocating clutches. "Careful with him!" he whined.

In a random act of kindness, the box-holding Finder slammed Allen down even harder into the box than he did poor Lavi.

"Unf!"

The Finder then rounded on Kanda. They glared at each other for a few minutes, until the Finder got bored and quickly snatched him up and flung him ever so gracefully into the box before even Speedy-Ninja Kanda could react. (Score!)

Kanda huffed as he hauled himself up. His glare should have sent that insolent Finder into a bloody coma, was he loosing his thunder?

_It's because you're so adorable, Yuu_.

Oh, shit. Not the voices again. Kanda was getting those a lot. (1)

The Finder quickly shut the box, abruptly eliminating all traces of light from entering it.

"BIGPUMATIGERPAWS! IT'S DARK! NOOO!" Lavi screamed at the top of his lungs. (I'm seriously surprised he hasn't lost his voice yet.)

Kanda broke out of his musings and continued the scream fest, "SHUT THE HELL UP, RABBIT BRAT!"

Completely switching focus, Lavi started poking the lump beside him, which would be Allen. "Allen…" he whined, eyes widening when he didn't move, "OMITACOS, ALLEN'S DEA—"

"He's not dead!" Kanda hissed, smacking Lavi, "He was knocked unconscious when he was thrown into the box."

"Oh, okay," Lavi chirped cheerily.

'Bipolar. ADD, and bipolar.' Kanda noted in his mind. _Agreed_, said the voice.

"Well, since he's asleep, we need to talk."

"Talk?" Kanda briefly wondered if Lavi was trying to give him the birds and bees talk. Oh, how he longed for Mugen!

Just then the box lurched as it was lifted into the air. It bounced as whoever was carrying it didn't bother to try and make the trip the least bit pleasant for the cats.

Kanda stumbled and accidentally tripped over Allen's unconscious form. Hauling himself up, he heard the redhead steadying himself over on the other side of the box.

"As I was saying, we need to talk."

"About what?" Kanda was back in wary mode, considering how the redhead was uncharacteristically serious.

"About what to do with the baby."

"The ba—WHAT?!"

"Shh! Don't wake him up!"

"You mean the beansprout?!" Kanda whispered, but didn't seem to notice because he was too preoccupied with the current subject of conversation.

"Yeess, geez, Yuu-chan, you're such a horrible mommy, not knowing who you're baby is!"

"I'm not the beansprout's friggin' mommy!"

"Of course you are! And I'm the daddy!"

"WHAT?!"

"SHH! Geez, such a horrible temper! Are you in heat, honey?"

Kanda had just about lost it with the annoying redhead. With an enraged, manly, battlecry, he charged. Lavi let out a screech and bolted away. But, sadly for him, he forgot the fact they we're in an enclosed box and slammed into the wall. Kanda followed in pursuit.

_Careful not to hit the baby, Yu_.

Allen's snores continued.

000

"Magical Box of Wonders! Oh, Magical Box of Wonders! Rabbits and bunnies and vultures and unicorns! Oooh, Magical Box of Wonders! Take me away over magical rainbows—"

"Yes, please, take you away…" Kanda moaned, with his paws clamped firmly over his ears. They had been stuck in this box for hours, and after Kanda had chassed Lavi to exhaustion, the redhead, not the least bit winded, had taken to singing to pass the time. If you could call it that, more like a never-ending choir of murlocs.

Allen was still unconscious, and Kanda was seriously envious of him. He felt the sudden urge to slam his head into the wall and end it all. But his lotus would heal him, so that wouldn't work.

Lavi took a long audible breath, preparing for another verse.

"_No more singing_. One more verse of that God forsaken song, and so help me, I will _rip out your wind pipe_, and feed it to those unicorns you were singing about!"

Silence. Sweet, golden silence.

"Swirling, swirling, swirling, everything is swirling! Spinning, spinning, spinning, everything is—"

Just then the box flipped over, and Lavi let out an ear-piercing screech as they all tumbled out and landed with a thunk. Turning around just in time, Kanda saw the Finder stalking away with a tomatoe box tucked under his smelly arm.

Kanda looked around, surveying his surroundings. They had been dumped in an alley in the middle of a town. _Outside_. "Oh, shi—"

Lavi glomp tackled him before he could finish. "YUU-CHAN! Don't swear around our baby! We can't have you fowling up his innocent little ears with your vicious tongue!"

"HE'S NOT OUR BABY, AND HE'S FRIGGIN' UNCONCIOUS! GET THAT INTO YOU'RE BRAIN, IDIOT RABBIT!"

At their loud yowling, Allen slowly began to awaken. How he didn't earlier, I don't know. As he cracked open his eyes, he looked around with a bewilder expression. Eventually, comprehension dawned on his adorable little face.

"Oh, shit!"

000

**Giggles And I'm done! Sorry I didn't upload for so long … Next chapter, the plot gets introduced! Yay! This crack-fic actually has a plot! Reviews appreciated.**

**(1) A lot of fics have Kanda hear voices :P, I wanted to try that too…**


	4. Method to Madness

**Chapter 4**

**Method to Madness**

**Summary: **"It's Mini!Mugen."

**Disclaimer:** _Still_ no ponies. Not one friggin' pony.

(AN: I gave the Finder names because I was tired of addressing them by titles. Don't worry, this is the last chapter they'll be in.)

"Strange…" Jerry mumbled to himself as he continued to survey his prized (and absolutely adorable) kitchen. "I could've sworn I left the fish out on this specific counter!" He tapped it with his finger for emphasis. "It looks as if it were licked clean by hungry kittens!" (Unbeknownst to Jerry, that was indeed literally true, courtesy to a hungry Allen.)

"Maybe you _didn't_ leave it out," Lenalee deadpanned, still a wee bit pissed at the Head Chef.

"Nooo… I'm sure of my forgetfulness," Jerry raised a finger to his chin and swung his hip out in a natural pondering high school girl pose. Lenalee sweat dropped.

"Look," Lenalee stated, raising a finger, wishing to end this obvious malarkey (hehe… spelling word…), "Just leave it, and if it starts to smell funny, _then_ you'll find it, and can get rid of it. And if it still smells, spray some Febreeze around."

Jerry considered this for a moment, then sighed melodramatically, "I guess we could _try_ that idea, Lenalee…"

"Good," Lenalee retorted, even though there was nothing to retort to, "Now, let's go back to looking for the boys for a bit."

A bit equals till the Apocalypse.

Feet dragging, Jerry followed Lenalee to never-ending doom. He decided it was better to search more than face her almighty female wrath. (His almost-female wrath wouldn't stand a chance.)

They headed towards the exit, trying to ignore the loud, obnoxious wailing emitting from the corner of the café.

"Wahh! I'm so worried!"

"Calm down, Adrian(1)!"

"Buuut, Francis, you know how meeeaaan Bronco is!"

"Come on, he isn't heartless…"

"HE IS!" All of the occupants of the room flinched at the inhumanly shrill shriek. Adrian slammed his head down onto the table rather hard and continued sobbing. Francis just shook his head in exasperation.

"The poor kittens!" he wailed yet again, "They smelled oh so much like fish!"

Jerry froze in the doorway. _Kitties, fish, kitties, fish, kitties, fish, cupcakes, fish…_

"Jerry-san?" Lenalee had turned about face when she noticed the lack of the pink-haired chef following her. She wasn't letting him off that easily.

_Kitties, fish, kitties, fish, kitties, fish…_ Jerry snapped his fingers in that girlish way we've all come to know and love, as the two words _finally_ connected in his brain.

Lenalee stared wordlessly at the anger mark that pulsed violently on Jerry's forehead as he whipped around and marched menacingly towards the two Finders.

"Kitties, you say?" Jerry asked the rhetorical question with the venom of a thousand snakes and thirty-two rabbits. He towered over the Finders, apron fluttering in the breeze, "In the cafeteria?"

"Y-yes," they answered, sweat dropping, henceforth making it no longer a rhetorical question. Actually, only Francis bothered to answer, Adrian continued soiling the poor table.

Lenalee, who had expertly tuned-out the loud wailing before (you get practice by having Komui for a brother.), only just now heard the fated word 'kitties'. "What, what about cats?"

"Kitties," Jerry corrected her, "And they came into the kitchen and ate my fish!" He had made an inference.

"Good for them, they probably saved us the stink and some Febreeze."

"But it was my fiiissshh!" Jerry whined, "Oooh, if I could get my hands on them, they would have it sooo bad, they'd wish they'd never been reproduced into this world!"

Adrian let out another wail of desperation.

"What did they look like?!" Jerry demanded, determined to track the horrid thieves of his fish and end their streak of unforgivable crime.

"Well—" Francis started but was interrupt by the ever so loud Adrian.

"They were absolutely so adorable! So adorable they should be kings of adorableness!" He took an audible breath before continuing his ramblings. "A little puffy white one, a scruffy red one, and a shiiiiiny black one!"

"I need more of a description, woman!" Jerry raged, "There's a lot of white and black cats out there! Not as many red, but still!" (Duh, Firestar!)

"You'll be able to till! They're so adorable it'll alleviate your _soul_!" Everyone ignored Adrian as Francis elaborated.

"The white one had a red mark over his left eye, if I do recall, and his left front leg was black. The red one somehow had acquired an eye patch over his right eye…"

'They sound a lot like Allen, Lavi, and Kanda,' Lenalee mused, wishing she could have seen them. But then, she gave a start. '_A lot_ like them…'

"What did they act like?" Lenalee questioned out loud.

"Well," Francis continued, talking over Adrian's constant shrieking, "The black one clawed Bronco when he tried to pick him up,"

'Kanda,' Lenalee labeled in her head.

"…the red one kept yowling loudly,"

'Lavi.'

"…and the white one seemed to not want to be picked up, but didn't want to hurt us or something either."

'Allen.'

Lenalee's eyes narrowed as one word came to her mind.

"Nii-san."

000

"Lavi, we've been wandering for hours."

"We're not _wandering_, we're following a set path directly back to the Black Order without fail," the redhead chirped happily and completely blissfully.

"Set path provided by what?"

"My memory, silly," Lavi sang, "It's photographic. Completely reliable!"

"If it's so dang reliable, why are we back where we started?"

Lavi frowned, indeed, they were back in the same musty alley they had been rudely and literally 'dropped' off, for about the third time that day.

"Che," Kanda turned his head in a snobby fashion. Idiots. They had been wandering forever, with Lavi leading but he kept getting distracted at almost every turn. Allen had offered to lead, but was quickly shot down, everyone knowing of his direction issues. And why didn't Kanda lead? We'll he wasn't… the helpful type.

"Ooh, look, a butterfly!"

"_Focus_, rabbit brat!"

"But it's so pre—"

"Lavi, for once I agree with Kanda, focus and get us home! I'm starting to get hungry…"

Pouting in the most ridiculous manner, Lavi sauntered off. His parade at his heels.

000

"God _dammit_, Lavi!" Allen glowered uncharacteristically at the alley that loomed in front of him. It really shouldn't look that familiar.

"I'm _sooorrry_, its just when that female cat walked by, my kitty hormones went all wacky and I was so distracted—"

"We get it, Lavi," Allen grimaced.

Kanda, truth be told, was a little worried. What id the redhead left him for some smutty fe—Cough You wish. No, he was thinking about how many times he had impaled, cut, slashed, or stabbed the annoying redhead and had carelessly got some blood on himself. He made a mental note to have him and Mugen tested for Aids later. Breaking out of his mental worries, he listened to what the rabbit and beansprout were currently discussing.

"Please, Lavi, we really need you to focus on getting us home soon. I'm getting hungry, and you _know_ how I act when I'm hungry."

"I _am_ focusing!" The redhead chirped happily.

"No, you're not."

"How do you know that, Beansprout-chan?"

"Because in less then ten minutes, we're already back to where we started. Again."

"…Oh."

"_And_ you're _supposed_ to be the one with a photographic memory, which I'm seriously doubting by now."

"I'm just getting a little distracted, Allen-chan…"

"Exactly! I wonder what Bookman would say about this behavior…"

Lavi chuckled nervously, as if simply uttering the old man's name would somehow summon him there (like Voldy-mort). "He's more of an action man…" Lavi bit his lip, remembering all the head wounds he had gained from being vaulted across the room by Bookman's flying kick, or slammed into the ground by his panda-clawed swipes.

'Morons. Retards. _Bakas_.' Kanda thought for about the tenth time that day. It was almost like a repeating record. He sighed, times like this he wished and longed for Mugen and it's shining glory. But, even if the sword was to miraculously plunge from the heavens, his small kitty paws couldn't wield it. He sighed again, heaven help him cleanse this world of those morons!

And heaven answered his prayers.

In a shiny glory much like Mugen, the thing plummeted from the sky, landing staked into the ground, quivering. Right in front of an awed Kanda, who stared slack-jawed. It certainly wasn't Mugen, but was small enough for him to hold, and sharp enough to gut those two fiends like their precious fish.

Allen continued walking beside Lavi, completely oblivious to the shining moment happening behind him. He was scolding him for what the redhead claimed small things, but in Allen's eyes, they were humongous. They were keeping him from his food. And making themselves utterly lost for hours on end.

"Lavi, this is madness!"

"And yet, there is method," Lavi said ominously.

"Don't go quoting Shakespeare on me! Focus on getting us home, and not on old plays where you can't understand half of what they're saying!" Allen's scowl was going to permanently be etched on his face soon.

Actually, now that Allen thought about it, how come Kanda didn't lead?

"Hey, Kanda," Allen piped, whipping around, having a bipolar moment, "Time to overcome your differences and—Why are you holding a pencil in your mouth?"

Kanda, somehow managing to speak relatively clearly while he currently had a number _one_ (that's right, #1) pencil clutched firmly between his teeth, muttered something along the lines of, "It's Mini!Mugen."

Lavi, who had also turned around in an one-eighty, was fighting the urge to bellow out laughing.

The urge won.

"Careful you don't choke on your own spit, Lavi," Allen chirped, who had also succumbed to the giggles.

Kanda just scowled and marched forward. The two morons followed in suit, still chuckling.

"Yuu-chan, are you going to teach out baby how to write?" Lavi waltzed over to him and flicked his ear daringly with his tail.

Kanda sent him a withering look that screamed, 'Go-fall-down-a-dark-chasm-and-_die_.' A few jabs of Mini!Mugen accompanying it.

"Ow! God, Yuu, I'm bleeding!"

Allen, a little on the slow side, wore a confused expression while he asked, "You two adopted a baby?"

"Nope, we made it _naturally_—Yowch! Quit stabbing me with that thing, Yuu!"

"I don't thing that's possible," Allen furrowed his would-be kitty eyebrows. (Always so skeptical, Allen.)

Unbeknownst to the three, they had wandered into another alley. Which was slightly an improvement, considering it was a different one than the other past five times. But, it would also be their biggest mistake.

"Halt!"

000

**Righto, buffalo, I'm done. Stares at text It sure sucks, ain't it?**

**(1) I actually just found out recently that Adrian was a male name :P. Thought it fit this character perfectly. The Finder names are all names of some of the tough male teachers at my school ;P. Bronco is the woodshop teacher.**

**And since this chapter sucks SO bad, I decided to give you a deleted scene I was thinking about putting in, but decided not to 'cuz it contradicts with another scene in the story that I thought was funnier. It's not edited, so it should suck bad, but anyway. So, I give you Dumbo and appendixes!**

000 – **Deleted scene**

Allen, a little on the slow side, wore a confused expression while he asked, "You two adopted a baby?"

"Nope, we made it _naturally_—Yowch! Quit stabbing me with that thing, Yuu!"

"Naturally…?" Allen stared at them blankly. Lavi stared blankly back, in mid swat at a fuming Kanda.

"Allen, have you ever had the talk before?"

"The talk about what?"

"You know…" Lavi meekly shuffled his feet, "About how babies are made?"

"Aren't they brought by the pelican?"

Lavi stared at him, 'How can he not have had the talk and lived with Cross for three and a half years?' "The pelican?" was all he said though.

Allen gave him a look that said, 'Haven't-you-ever-watched-Dumbo-retard?'

After a few seconds of blank shock, Lavi's face slowly twisted into a devious grin. "Come here, Allen, it's time we had a talk."

Warily, Allen approached.

"You see Allen—"

000

Lavi grinned, as he stared down at Allen's horrified and disgusted expression after he had finished his rather animate talk.

Allen stared at him.

Lavi stared back, grinning.

"…"

"…"

"… That's sick, Lavi, I knew you were disgusting, but not enough to make something up like that."

Again, Lavi stared blankly. "You don't believe me?

Allen looked angry, "Of course not."

"I'm not lying Allen, what else do you think you're –beep- if for?"

Allen furrowed his kitty eyebrows, "It's how you go pee-pee."

"What about your –beep-?"

Allen gasped, "T-Those are like your appendix! They're not there for anything!"

Lavi snickered.

"Kanda, make him stop making this stuff up!"

"Che, he's not lying beansprout."

"Not you too, Kanda!" Allen's look was of pure horror as he just stared, truly frozen this time.

"You over did it, rabbit brat." Kanda felt just a twinge of sympathy for the younger cat.

"Poor guy's never going to look at Lenalee the same again."

000

**It's mainly dialogue because I usually add descriptive words later, but I didn't bother this time. Anyway, please review, and thanks for reading :).**


	5. Rise of the Skull King

**Chapter 5**

**Rise of the Skull King**

**Summary:** "Get me -hic!- more booze, dry erashe marker."

**Disclaimer:** I don't gotz no DGM, WoW, the movie Bolt, Spongebob, Seven Habits, Newton's theories, or snowglobes.

(A/N: w00t! An author note at the beginning! Anywayz, normally I have Lenalee/Jerry scene first, then Allen/Lavi/Kanda, but to make the flow of this chapter better, I switched it up a bit. But that's just for this chapter. Also, in this fic, Cross is alive, but still being 'supervised', and I know Allen should have Link tailing him, but I am magical.)

"Bolt?! Where?!" Lavi whipped his head back and forth, searching desperately for the Hollywood idol.

"No, Lavi, I think they said 'halt', not 'Bolt'," Allen chided his hearing disabled friend.

Lavi's tail and ears descended downward in disappointment, "So the super dog isn't here?" (1)

"No."

"Aw…"

"Ahem." Allen, Lavi, and Kanda finally turned to their addressers.

'Primmed' wouldn't be the word, they were indeed quite filthy. They had a few scrapes and cuts, and their fur was a little ruffled, but they held themselves with such poise, you'd think they thought of themselves as kings. (Pant… Run-on sentences…)

"You are currently trespassing His Majesty's territory," one of the two sniffed, before the other continued up his sentence.

"But seeing that we don't recognize you, you must be new around here, and we will therefore let you off with a _warning_."

"Majesty my a—" Kanda started to open his dirty mouth, but making a quick save, Allen slammed his tail into the gaping pie hole, quelching the rest of the insult.

"Y-yes, we apologize for our ghastly behavior and rude trespassing, and will depart at once," Allen stammered, using the best of his vocabulary. They were already in deep shit as it was, they didn't need to start a fight. But, just then, his stomach let out a ghastly noise that would send them all down into spiraling doom.

_Grooowwwl…_

The first of the snobby cats cocked an eyebrow, "Did the violator just growl at us?"

"Yes, I believe he did."

Allen's mouth dropped to the Hells, his stomach, his trusty stomach, did _not_ just do that! "N-no! I… It was jus—"

_Grooowwwl…_

"Well!" One of the two snobs scoffed, sounding morally offended, "We _warned_ you, but seeing—"

"That was just Allen's sto—" Lavi tried to protest, before being _rudely_ interrupted.

"—as you scoff at our perfect politeness—"

"Che."

"—you will have to be punished!"

Through out the conversation, Kanda had wondered at why Lavi and Allen didn't just do the _smart_ thing. Slit the braggart's throats out. Taking the snob's last statement as a cue, Kanda coiled and prepared to strike. Before he could do the deed, however, he was startled by a shrill banshee shriek that erupted from his preys' esophagi. Somehow, they made the screech sound dignified.

And the trio was abruptly surrounded by numerals of felines.

"Where'd they come from?" Lavi cried.

Allen groaned as he knew this was all his fault.

And Kanda, Kanda was spewing many colorful words. Much like my mother did when she lit the stove on fire.

000

"Nii-san!"

Sleep heads lift up, upon hearing this condemning cry. They idly wondered what the Supervisor had done this time. Drooping eyes and eyelids locked on the door, they waited silently for the rampage. (Calm before the storm.)

And as expected, it came with deadly force.

The poor door didn't know what was coming. One moment he was peacefully just sitting there, the next he was slammed into the wall, by an extremely pissed off teenage girl, dragging a disgruntle she-man… thing.

First mistake, Lenalee, never upset a door.

"Where's Nii—_Unf!_" Lenalee was abruptly cut off as the door made it's rebuttal, and with the help of momentum, bounced off the wall and slammed straight into Lenalee's pretty little face.

First mistake, door, never hurt Lenalee. Especially in Komui turf.

The door, as expected, was showered by a hail of missiles, and was blown up. Because that's what things do when they're hit by missiles.

"HOW DARE YOU HURT MY PRECIOUS LENALEE, DEMON SPAWN!" Komui, who had randomly appeared out of nowhere, screamed. He shook his smoking missile-launcher at the remains of the once-door, as if threatening it to try that again. Which was a really stupid thing to do, seeing as the door was already blown to pieces, and it was an inanimate object.

Reever sighed, that was the twelfth door this month. Lenalee really should learn Newton's theories, and he should probably find all of Komui's hidden weapons and dispose of them properly.

Lenalee, on the other hand, had recovered from her face's contact with the door, and that meant living hell for Komui.

"Um, Lenalee-_san_, I can walk by myself…" Jerry said meekly, not wanting to be dragged any further. Especially when the floor was covered with splinter-making material. Complying, Lenalee roughly dropped him, eyes sill locked in flaming fury on Komui.

Sensing danger, Komui switched from his over protective brother mode, to _inexplicably _nervous mode. "You wanted to talk to me, my dearest Lenalee?"

"Yes, I did," Lenalee pointedly glared, "_What_ did you do to the bath water?"

The supervisor looked flabbergasted, "I would never do _anything_ to my precious Lenalee's bath water!"

"Not _mine_, the _boy's_ bath!"

Komui gaped, what was his pure, innocent, little sister doing in the boy's communal bath? Perhaps they had forced her in and were… Oh my Gawd!

"HOW DARE THOSE DIRTY BOYS DEFILE—"

He was promptly cut off as a boot met his face, sending him tumbling to the floor.

"Allen, Kanda, and Lavi went to the baths _hours_ ago, and went missing, Now sightings of _cats_ that look just like them have been seen around the Order!" Lenalee explained, still steaming out of her ears.

Komui's eyes went circular and sparkly from his spot on the ground. "So it worked!"

Lenalee's own peepers widened in even more rage, "What do you mean it _worked?!_"

Blinking dumbly, Komui realized what he had just squealed. His happy mood when immediately back to nervousness as he proceeded to spill his guts, "W-weeelll, I was working on this mixture… thing… and, well, it was to turn people into… cats… It was for a mission! I swear! And it worked, so that's good!"

Lenalee let out yet another cry of desperations, "But now they're defenseless! What if they got stuck in the pound! What if they where attacked by wolves! Or worse! Attacked and molested by a perverted wolf-man!"

000

Kanda, Allen, and Lavi where currently being marched along to meet their judgment.

"Hey, Allen."

"Yes, Lavi?"

"Are you afraid of perverted werewolves?"

"Um, no. Why?"

"Iunno, just seemed important."

"Hnn," Allen furrowed his kitty eyebrows, slightly confuzzled, "Does Tyki count?" (2)

000

Reever watched with sleep pricking at his eyes as Lenalee continued to yell and scold Komui. He hadn't said anything throughout the whole exchange, though he knew his life had just gotten a lot harder.

A lot.

He'd probably have to step in and stop Lenalee's rampaging soon before she broke something. Or killed someone. He slightly pitied Komui, things didn't look like they could get any worse for him.

But, I, as the authoress, am sad to say, they indeed would. For, just then, two guards skidded into the room, running over Jerry and several other scientists. Immediately, the room went into a hush as the guards struggled to catch their breath.

"S-Supervisor… we have a problem!"

000

"Ye'll never take me alive!" Lavi screeched, despite the fact that they had already been caught and had been shepherded behind the two snobby cats for a long time now. He had just forgotten to say it earlier.

"I miss the ability to cover my ears…" Allen moaned.

'And I miss Mini!Mugen," Kanda thought dejectedly. Of course, he would never voice this, but that didn't change his melancholy of having the sword/pencil taken from him.

"And I miss prisoners who _shut up_," one of their captors snarled, glaring accusingly at Lavi. Lavi just grinned sleazily at him.

The mob of cats continues to walk in silence. If you exclude a certain redhead, that is.

Allen, who had been mainly walking in silence, was currently suffering under the attack of many emotions. He was, in one set, feeling quite angsty considering the whole fact they where outside and captured was all his fault. He was also infuriated, namely at his stomach which had _mysteriously_ stopped growling. Annoyance was also one of his ensuing emotions. But, it was hard not to be when Lavi was in your midst.

Judging from the previous paragraph, Allen was certainly forgetting the first habit. Think _proactively_, Allen!

But, no matter what emotions Allen was feeling, he had decided that since he had gotten everyone into this mess, gosh darnit, he would get them out! And the first step to escape was knowing your surroundings. Or, in this case, future surroundings.

"Where are you taking us?" Allen asked as the mob turned and they were shuffled down an alley.

One of the snobbish two cats glanced at him degradingly before answering his question.

"To face judgment for your crime by His Majesty Skullsplitter himself."

Lavi's eyes turned into saucers before he made a noise like a regurgitating seagull. It took everyone a few moments to realize he was trying to suppress giggles, and wasn't giving birth to an elephant.

Snob number one's left eye twitched at the mockery of his lord.

"_What_ are you laughing at, buffoon?!" Snob numero dos shrieked as they rounded yet another corner.

"Pfft, silly kitty, I look nothing like a balloon.(3)" Lavi rolled his eyes skyward.

"This derision of our lord—" Snob number one barked madly.

"—is so completely vexing!—" Snob number two raged, with wide eyes and large gesticulations with his head.

"—We cannot believe you have the audacity—"

"—TO EVEN VOICE IT!" they both finished vehemently. (Holy shit, that's five of my spelling words.)

You could hear a pin drop.

"But I didn't say—" Lavi squeaked.

"You mouth was flabbing, no?!" The two snobs opened their pie holes to continue their destruction, but luckily one of the other captor-cats decided to interrupt before it became a massacre.

"We have arrived," it stated stiffly.

They had stopped at a shorter ally that ended at a… dead end. Along the perimeter, overturned boxes and garbage cans were fashioned like miniature houses. Cats laid sprawled out lazily, basking in the pale sun that managed to leak through the heavy city pollutants. It was actually quite an impressive town look-a-like. Considering it was made by beings with brains smaller than a chimpanzee.

Furry heads turned as the mob led their three captives, Allen, Lavi, and Kan_a_da, down the street. They headed towards the end of the alleyway, at which stood a makeshift throne. Upon the garbage heap sat a fat—no, obese, large banana yellow tom cat. Actually, he could have been lying down. It was hard to tell. Resting on the tom-cat's brow was a wring of trash.

Oh wait, a crown.

"Your Highness!" Snob number two caterwauled.

"We have brought prisoners!" the other continued.

"Not only did they trespass,—"

"—they threaten us innocent envoys,—"

"—made a mockery of your name,—"

"—and whistled corny muzak the entire way.—" Lavi scoffed at this accusation. His music wasn't corny!

"—We suggest they be punished immediately!" the two snobs finished with that creepy synchronization.

Again with the pin and the dropping.

"…Your Majesty?"

"Hggnifrleg…" the king made an indefinable noise which is emitted when the bile in the back of one's throat is gargled. Commonly done when sleeping.

"…Impressive…" Lavi breathed with verbal irony.

"Did you _say_ something, prisoner?!"

"No! Nothing at all!"

One of the cats scrambled up the throne and prodded King Skullsplitter repeatedly.

"I-is he dead?" Allen voiced nervously.

"DID SOMEONE SAY CATERPILLARS?!" shrieked the king, jolting from his slumber. The sudden outburst caused every cat to leap sky borne, particularly Allen, who was already a nervous wreck.

"No, your Majesty, no one uttered the word 'caterpillar' or any form of it," Snob number two huffed.

"Oh…" the king's head drooped dejectedly, "You commoners, getting my hopes up… Well, I'm going back to sleep."

"NO!" the snobs called out. The king blinked at them dully. They gasped in perfect unison, realizing they had just defiled their idol's ears with their screams.

"Why not?" the king gurgled.

"B-because, we have convicts for you to castigate," Snob number two stuttered.

"…I can't understand your big words," Skullsplitter dead panned.

"Prisoners. Punish them."

"Oh," the king blinked, "How should I?"

"Well, may we suggest—" Snob number one began.

"—to be lynched by the neck,—"

"—or boiled in an effervescing pot,—'

"—or incarcerated in a dark box,—"

"—_or excoriate their skin off!_" they finished in unison.

Allen swooned.

"Or public service!" a particularly kind cat called out.

After a moment of thought, the king made his decision. "I like the last one," he stated.

"To chafe off their integument?"

"No, the one with words I can understand," Skullsplitter chortled, "Public whats-it."

"Oh…" disappointment was evident in the snob's voices, "Well, what should they do for the society?"

"Well," the king grinned, "It's more for me."

"You want us to find you a caterpillar?" Lavi inquired.

"No, though I do want one of those, there is something else. Something I want more," Skullsplitter drawled. "I want…"

The snobs leaned in expectantly. Lavi's ears perked. Allen just lay there, unconscious. Kanda was apathetic as usual.

The pin fell for the third time this chapter.

"A jackelope."

000

Earlier that day, another complication arose in the Black Order. This one was caused by a certain someone.

That someone is General Marian Cross.

Now, directly, he did not cause this predicament. But if you asked the guards supervising him, it was all his fault. It may have _directly_ been their fault, but it was the General who drove them to do it.

And even so, they only meant it as a little prank.

That man, who currently should have been _lower_ than them, that filthy braggart, ordered them around like he was some sort of monarch. Get me this, get me that, blah, blah, blah! Seriously, if you put up with that everyday, you would do some sort of rebuttal too!

Besides, it was only supposed to be a simple gag.

They were heading over to get the General Cross more wine. Seriously, that man couldn't get more drunk.

_"Get me -hic!- more booze, dry erashe marker," a drink flushed Cross hollered._

_"S-sir, don't you think you've had enough to drink? Y-you're a little drunk," one of the duo of guards stammered._

_"I shwear to drunk, I'm not -hic!- god!" he boomed, and let out a stream of hiccups._

_"Y-yes, sir," the guards murmured._

_"Go-hic!-od, now go get me my nourishment, -hic!- microwave. And put my chicken in the laundry -hic!- while your at it. Ha, ha, potatoesh."_

It was amazing the man could ever pick up dates when he was at a bar.

"That man," one of the two guards complained loudly, "Honestly, what is wrong with him?! Did he get dropped on the head as a baby?'

"I know, he is always so degrading and conceited," the other chimed in.

"He deserves a taste of his own medicine," the first justified. As fate would have it, they were just walking past the male communal bath when this was stated. The guard grinned mischievously as he noticed this fact, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Oh, you are so evil!" the second guard giggled.

And yes, the guards are gay.

000

Cross tipped his head back, chugging out of the bottle of 'wine' his supervisors had retrieved.

"So, how does it taste? Like _bathwater_ maybe?" One of the guards asked vigorously.

The general paused for the briefest of seconds, "Tashtesh like your grandmother'sh foot, shnowglobe." And yet, Marian continued his chugging.

'How does he know what my grandmother's foot tastes like?' Snowglobe wondered, just as Cross' figure keeled over.

"Holy shit! You killed him!" the other guard yelled, scurrying over to Cross' limp form.

"The bathwater was your idea!" Snowglobe screamed back, wide eyed.

_Pop!_

The guards stared down at the vacancy where Marian Cross had lain. All that remained where his clothes.

"He… Imploded…"

One of the duo gently lifted up the fabric, stammering something along the lines of, "I've never killed someone before…" As the cloths where hoisted from the ground, a lax form rolled our from them and hit the ground with a thud. It was…

A cat.

Silence reined on the guards as they stared at the unconscious mammal. They may have been dumb, but they weren't stupid (?). They managed to connect the dots.

"Did General Cross just… get turned into a kitty?" Snowglobe(4) turned wide-eyed to his comrade.

Neither of them knew how to solve this problem. So, they did the smartest thing, shift the weight onto someone else.

"Take him to the supervisor!"

And so, sweeping up the unconscious cat, the two bolted out the door and down the hallway.

000

"S-supervisor… we have a problem!" they yelled as they burst into the Science Department.

For all eyes to see, they thrust out the kittenified general.

000

**Chapter 5: Complete.**

**I apologize for the late update. I… forgot I had a story. If it weren't for OnimeKyo-Kyuubi who faved & alerted two nights ago, I never would have remembered… ANYWAYZ. General Cross as a cat probably won't be for much, I just… wanted to do it.**

**1) Bolt is a new movie coming out, I'm not sure if it's just for America… It's about a super dog or something.**

**2) In fanfics, Tyki always seem to be a perverted pedophile… I don't get it…**

**3) Credits to Spongebob. Spongebob rules.**

**4) His name really isn't Snowglobe.**

**To make up for the sucky chapter. I present to you a short omake(?) In script.**

000

A while back, I got a review from ChibiMoyashi on chapter 2. Here is my official response.

Lavi: Yuu-chan!

Kanda: Don't call me that, rabbit brat.

Lavi: -Ignoring- You're tail is reallllly long.

Kanda: So?

Lavi: It makes me wanna do _naughty_ things!

Kanda: What the he—OUCH! What the hell, shitty rabbit?! Why did you step on my tail?!

Lavi: -Giggles- I'm so dirty!

000

**Is that what you meant?**


End file.
